i had a good breakfast today at 1 o'clock. it was some oatmeal with peaches, cinnamon and soy milk and some coffee that i made quickly in the french press.
I use to wake up early and eat breakfast at 9 every morning but I don't do that now.
According to them I haven't been doing well and I haven't been able to get away with it. I haven't been doing terribly either and in my eyes especially, i've been okay. I'm afraid now though. However, I don't know if it's fear or just frustration from the inconvenience. the horrible timing of going back. the awful disappointment of postponing school. I'm very angry at myself because I haven't been taking this seriously. I insist my body is better. I'm being pulled and pushed to go go go back. I'm not though. i can't. i have a week before school and school will be good for me. I guess i can't decide what is really going to be good for me.  I'm so anxious for monday.. I don't want to see them. I know I'm really not being clear and am being as vague as can possibly be.
I usually don't talk much about my life aside from the every day things like pictures and toast and places I've been but today I'm feeling a bit different about this because maybe someone can see what its like. maybe i could help someone?
I was told that it is like floating in a river clutching to a log, holding on for dear life. there are people on the shore saying it's safe to swim to shore, you'll make it, it's much better out there, all i have to do is let go of the log and swim. I won't let go of the log though. I'm certain I will go under if I let go. Certain I'll drown. So now as I swim to shore I take the log with me.
She said it better.
I know absolutely that if I keep holding on I will never be able to fully live. I just don't understand why I haven't allowed myself to do that. Why would anyone want to hold themselves back?

Those reading:
Please don't ever hold yourselves back. Take care of yourselves and just be.